Where I’ve Been | Updates that Suck

Hey ya’ll –

I wanted to drop in and let you know I’m not dead – at least, not yet!

I finished the semester about a month ago, and have been spending this time getting the sleep that my body has so badly needed since last September. Looking back on these last few months, I realized that I pushed myself too hard: I was flying down to NYC every Monday and coming back home each Wednesday evening so that I could attend classes. I was taking six courses, plus working a full time (manual labor) job on Thursday-Sunday. On top of all of that, I was working on my PhD application(s) – and WORK is the correct word for it. I don’t wish that hell on anyone. There was no day of rest for me and my body and brain paid for it.

I can’t tell you how many times during these last few months I’ve said that this was my worst semester ever. I was exhausted, overworked and under rested the entire time and eventually I got pretty sick for about a month and a half. It wasn’t until around Christmas that I began to feel better again. Sometime around the middle of the semester, the stress got to me, and I had an emotional breakdown in my school’s bathroom, which was a real low point for me. It did, however, make me realize that I was doing too much and something had to give.

I ended up quitting my job – which is terrifying because I’m operating off slim savings. With inflation in the US being so high, I realize that this will barely carry me through this last semester of my Master’s. It’s scary, and I’m still trying to find a job that will work with my schedule. Despite the news talking about a “Great Resignation” it’s been hard as hell to find a job in my hometown – even bullshit customer service.

As of right now my Seminary has decided to hold the first two weeks of classes online due to the rapid rise of Omicron in NYC. I’m grateful that I’m not forced to travel and am PRAYING that they will extend online learning to the rest of the semester. I can’t say that I feel comfortable – booster or not – jumping on a plane 2 times a week, plus having to ride public transport (buses, trains, etc). I stay with a lovely friend down in the city and I hate the idea of potentially bringing COVID into her home. Plus, it would be a huge relief from the financial burden. Keep your fingers crossed for me, we should know more here soon.

Like I mentioned above, I completed my PhD applications – and it was intense. The 20 page writing sample was some of the hardest work I’ve ever done. It also signaled to me that I needed to get help with my ADHD. I finally went to the doctor a few weeks ago, and began explaining my symptoms. I have a psychological evaluation (which is typical) in April (fucking US healthcare, amiright?) to officially undergo screening for ADHD but my doctor felt that I was presenting enough of the symptoms to prescribe me a non-stimulant medication in the meantime.

I’m officially two weeks on the meds – would have been longer, but I was waffling at the 150 dollar price tag (fucking US healthcare, amiright?!). Finally, I bit the bullet and footed the bill. The change has been wildly noticeable. Mood, focus, concentration, distraction management, recall … all have vastly improved. I just feel… relieved and grateful, and stable and, like, my brain is working with me. I’d like to stay on this medication – (Strattera, non-stimulant) but the price is so damn high. On the other hand, I’m kinda freaked out about shit like Adderall because it’s a goddamn amphetamine! I’m not particularly interested in getting legal speed – even if it would work better.

Anywho – that’s my update. I really haven’t been writing much, so nothing to share with ya’ll. I am pretty active on Twitter so if you wanna chat or crack some dick jokes with me come find me at @suckasspoetry Other than that, I hope ya’ll are having a great New Year wherever you are in the world.



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