Humor · Love · Sex

1-800-Dial a Piece | Poems that Suck

My new lover called today, 
 purring obscenities in my ear
  like a fat cat about to get its fill
                                  on something juicy.

In my excitement to get
 it in, I decided to Nair, 
  rather than shave my thick, 
   auburn, pubic hair.

We were naked an hour later, 
 when he recoiled in horror.
 I turned my head to look, then
   had to explain that it was a chemical
    burn and not, in fact, Herpes. 

Humor · Sex

Ain’t That Somethin’ | Poems that Suck

When I was 19 I had this 
 boyfriend and he was a little
  strange; a little too in to women's
   silky panties, a little too intellectual.
                                          ya dig?

Anyway, this one time when we
 were fucking, he jumped up on my
  chest and swung his little ass around
   and wanted me to blow him from the back. 

Now, I've seen and done a lot of
 weird and kinky shit since then but, 
  you never forget the first time you see
    the back of someone's ball bag. Magnificent. 
Humor

The Shit You’ll See in Paris | Poems that Suck

I was walking along a narrow,

Parisian street; very posh,

the kind with neat hedgerows

that camouflage the iron gate

intended to keep

the riff raff

out.

I was having a pleasant

morning stroll, but

then a giant pile

of dog shit

came across

my

path.

I paused for a moment,

nibbling on my

chocolate croissant,

mulling over

the turd in

my way

before

continuing

on.

Not five steps away,

I beheld what was

very clearly a

skid mark

that repeated

every three

paces

or

so.

I quickly put the

pieces together,

some unfortunate

fellow had stepped

in that

shit

not

far

back

And had spent

half a mile

trying to

scuff it off

the bottom

of

his

shoe.

I gazed at the

last, short

skid shaking

my head.

Surely, this

was a

commentary

on

life.

Humor · Sex

Paris | Poems that Suck

I was in Paris, once,

just a few days.

I didn’t do all the

touristy shit;

the Arc du Triomph,

the Eiffel Tower,

the Louvre.

Instead, I went down

to Pigalle, where the

streets are a litany

of porno shops.

I bought myself

a vibrator

and

some lube.

Then went back to

my closet of

an apartment

and had a

good fuck

on the

lice

ridden

bed.