You were drunk on fine spirits, on the precipice of belligerence, trapping me between your body and the door - its knob in my back. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked calmly cautious, but could see that your pupils were pinpricks, even in the dim. "Tell me all about it. Every little detail. I need to know the who, what, why, how, when of that stupid video." And I realized I was being mocked; for talking too much, for needing someone to share stream of consciousness with. It confirmed what I'd suspected for so long; that I'm not human to you - just a possession that you can molest whenever you want.
There's a flap of flesh along side my thumbnail. I wonder what would happen if I pulled at it? I imagine it would cleave the skin, running all the way to the bone, like some wayward thread. And what would I find, there, hidden beneath the flesh? A lifetime of regret, lies, doubt and self loathing. Best to leave it alone.
Don't come to me if you don't want a straight answer. Don't come to me if you want to be coddled. Don't come to me if you don't want practical advice. Don't come to me if you just want me to agree with you. Don't come to me if you can't take it raw. I'm not your fucking bartender, baby. I'm not serving you a chaser after this shit.
Maybe I don't like the silence because it reminds me of an ex who used to disappear for days at a time, saying that the aliens had abducted him. Every time he'd reappear it was with some new girl, hanging off his dick - and I knew he'd slept with her so that he'd have a place to sleep, and food to eat. I could never understand why he wouldn't come to me to ask for these things, knowing that he'd never have to pay for them with sex. The last time he disappeared for months, turning up on the opposite coast so that he could "make it," but came back home with a pregnant fiancé.
You came to me, pockets overflowing with tamarind pods, ripe figs, celery root and prickly pears, bravely holding me for thirty seconds "because that's how long it takes for the endorphins to be released." No one's held me that long before, and I could've fell to pieces in your arms because you felt so safe.
You were my Humbert, and I was your Lo. Together we created an unholy concoction of synthetic love and questionable consent.
The last straw was when I slapped his ass while he fucked me slow. "You sick fuck," he rumbled in my ear. We laughed in the thick darkness with nothing but each other to cling to.
I want to write a poem on your body, scrawl all the words of my love and passion upon your flesh; my mouth the pen. I promise to write slowly, ensure proper punctuation and grammar, and to end with a stroke that brings you bliss.
I don't want love, not really. Not the contented domesticity of a white wedding, a swollen pregnant belly, a house in the suburbs or a white picket fence. None of the considerations and compromises that leave you resentful, thinking about how you're losing out on your best fucking years as you brush your teeth while your partner takes a piss. No - what I want is, in comparison, hedonism. The blaze of passion, white hot and unquenchable. To worship your body with my mouth, my hands. I want to shiver under your touch, feel the desire of your gaze and die the little death beneath you. I want the romance of dancing in the kitchen, of falling asleep in your arms, to hold your deepest secrets in confidence, to know you better than anyone else. Then I want the drama. I want you to break my heart, to shatter it so that I can write shitty poems for a lifetime.
I feel hollow - skin tight like a drum - bouncing my fingers upon my chest to hear the echo of my heart.